Everyone I know’s getting a real job, getting engaged or having babies and I’m just sitting here running my blog and trying to remember to eat three meals a day.
I actually willingly talked to people I don’t know today… Do I get like a trophy or a prize or a cuddle or something?
Did I level up in life?
Somedays I wish I was better at being social but then I remember that requires me to go outside and talk to people and then I’m just like “lol nope.”
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes
Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth
Do not come any closer.
people like me
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name
do not fall in love
with people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold
do not fall in love
with people like me.
we will destroy your
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet
we will never learn
how to be soft
we will leave.
we always do."
If my self-depreciation was as adorable as tumblr says it is, I’d be like a puppy puking rainbows while riding a unicorn.
You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?
You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.
You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved.
You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?”
You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PYSCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops.
You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can.
This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.
So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now."
It’s strange to realize how much has changed since this time last year.
Fun fact: I love waking up to drunk texts from you.
Just kidding - go fuck yourself.
Honestly, all I want right now is to nuzzle my face into your neck and have whispered conversations with you.
- I’m not beautiful - I’ll never be a showstopper, a cover model, a center spread or in the movies. But I’m comfortable in my own skin and with the way I look and personally, I think that’s all that matters. I still have days where I hate the way I look, where I wish I could change my body or be a little tanner - but I’m healthy, I’m happy, I’m breathing, and I have people who love me.
- I need to set aside more time for family and friends - take days off of work, the weekends with no school and just curl up and hangout with my loved ones. I need to have more late night conversations with my mother, spend more time with my best friend and have more adventures with my boyfriend. Who knows how much time I have with these people - I just want to make the time I have count.
- I need to set aside more time for myself - take the time to read and write like I used to, enjoy movies like I used to. I need to visit the library, get a netflix account, find some inspiration. Anything. The lack of creativity in my life is slightly depressing. Ten-year-old, aspiring-writer me would be so incredibly disappointed in the me today.
- I need to allow people to love me. Despite previous family history and everything I’ve seen in life, not everything ends in couples breaking up or in divorce. Some people actually make it. The man who does our mail pick up on Saturdays has been married forty some-odd years - and that gives me hope. I am capable of loving and deserve to be loved. Balance, my darling, is not allowing anyone to love you less than you love yourself.
- With that being said though, I need to find common ground with the people in my life. I was “best friends” with someone who obviously wasn’t as invested in our friendship as I was - and I was the one who ended up getting hurt. Why should I invest all of my time, energy and emotion into a friendship when the other person isn’t going to reciprocate at least half of that? I’m not a convenience, or a second choice so please don’t treat me like an option.
- I need to be more domesticated - my lack of cooking skills is pathetic. Maybe I’ll be healthier, happier and a little bit richer if I learn to work around a kitchen.
- I need to give back more. I have every opportunity and every means of giving back to my community and the people around me and yet I do nothing. I’m not the most talented, the most gifted, or the richest, but there are people far less fortunate than I am. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
- And finally, I need to forgive myself. I make mistakes. I screw up. I fail. But I have people in my life who love me and who will forgive my mistakes - and I need to also. I need to stop worrying about the things that I said that might have come out wrong, or the things that I screwed up on months ago. If they were meant to be, they would have been - and if they were meant to go a different way, they would have. Que será, será.
The year 2012 is coming to an end. I have spent the past couple of days looking back at the year - partially wondering what happened to it and partially thinking of all of the things that have happened to me in the past twelve months. I’m not the same person I was this time last year and I doubt next year I will be the same person I am today. These are eight of the many things I’ve learned and realized about myself recently. They’re sort of make-shift new years resolutions you could say.
So here’s to 2013 and whatever the new year brings me.
Today, as I was walking out of the room I had holed up in in the library, I saw someone about the same age as me, kneeling down, writing something. I continued walking, not thinking anything of it, and began to walk to my Sound Technology class, the exam I was about to take being the only thing on my mind. I was about halfway there when someone stopped me. He handed me a piece of paper, asked me to read it and then walked away. This is what he handed me. It’s the little things like this that give me hope in humanity - the leap of faith, the courage and the utmost sincerity that comes with something like this.
There’s no doubt in my mind he will make someone very happy someday.